Bath Bomb

As I write this I’m lay in the tub. I can hear the rain outside and it sounds as if the children have finally gone to sleep. I’m surrounded by glitter and theres a nice smell in the air…(i am surprised at this as most smells make me gag at the minute). I can feel and see my baby squiggle around. It’s nice. I’m relaxed. 

The past three days have been emotionally draining and I’m feeling it physically. Today has been particularly harrowing and i’m not gonna lie, I’ve cried alot! Who’d have thought lots of crying and feeling a bit blue could tire you out so much and make your body feel so battered. Oh- also I had an injection in my arm today too which feels like someone, possibly the hulk, punched me very hard! 

This evening I’ve learnt something…well it’s nothing new, I’ve just been reminded…. That age old saying ‘count your blessings’, isn’t such a boring old saying, it may well have saved me from going mad this evening. 

It’s been hard to focus on those blessings. Today I found out that a friend of mine lost her new born baby. Why should I…how can I even begin to think about blessings when I know that my friends heart has been ripped to shreds. 

I’ve been praying, crying, calling out to God, crying some more, wishing almost!? Thinking about my baby, fearing the future and crying a whole lot more…theres not been much time or space for thanking God for the blessings.

Yet – I felt I needed to just find one and focus on that, for fear of heading in a downward spiral of hurt, anger and sadness. 

So as I lay in this tub I’m counting my blessings and it’s helping. Slowly. There’s nothing I can do but pray for my friend. What else can I do. 

I figured in life you will probably have more days like this. Maybe as a vicars wife you may see more things like this, being on the front line, as it were, with your spouse. So finding a way of coping is probably quite useful. I’m not saying counting your blessings is the magic cure to everything. It may not even help – but right now it’s helping me.

I’m thankful for the blessing of this bath bomb. 

I found that peace I was looking for!

On Sunday morning – I lay in bed struggling to get out. It wasn’t that my oversized pregnant body had given up on me. It wasn’t that my in-laws bed was just too darn comfy (let me clarify…I wasn’t cuddling up with my in-laws..they let us stay in their room when we visit and they go in the spare room…we’re close, but not that close!!) It wasn’t that my MIL was looking after the children and I was taking advantage of those few extra minutes of peace…It was oddly because we were heading up to visit our new home that day…and I didn’t want to go.

It was strange because I’d been looking forward to that trip for ages and now it was here, I couldn’t face it. It was all getting very real and I was scared of all the emotions seeing our new place would bring.

I did eventually get out of bed and we drove the 3 hours from my in-laws all the way there and as we pulled up outside our house, with a lump in my throat, I just stared at our new home, I couldn’t take my eyes off it…(which must have been weird for the people currently living in it, thankfully they were out!!).

I know, it sounds like i’m making mountains out of mole hills and being slightly dramatic, maybe I could blame the hormones…but I was actually scared.

In just a few short weeks, that house will be our home – for the next three years – it will be ours.

Up to that point of moving in…our lives will have been relatively normal, normal jobs, normal home on a normal street, normal school, normal church goers…it’s almost like that day that we move in to that house, we step over the threshold of being a regular family, to being a clergy family and all that entails.

I began to feel unsettled, like there’s no going back. I thought about that blog post I wrote ‘hot air balloons and noisy hedgehogs’ and how I longed for a sense of peace about the whole situation. I wasn’t feeling that peace that i’d been praying for. I felt slightly lost and it wasn’t because I was in an unfamiliar city. Had we made a mistake?

As the day went on, we spent time with some new friends- they made us feel completely at ease. We actually went into our new home and did some measuring! Our children played happily with some of their new friends.

It was then that I finally found that peace! – I saw it in my husbands eyes as he bounded up to me in our new house like a friendly excitable dog saying, ‘I’m so excited! I’m so excited!’. I saw it in my daughters eyes as she played with a child like they’d known each other for years. I saw it in my son as he so casually interacted with people he hardly knew, none of the nervous hanging off mummy and daddy’s leg…he just got straight in.

All the unsettled feelings went away. It was easy and happy and peaceful.