Thy will be done.

‘Thy will be done…’

We say these words week after week as part of the Lords prayer. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that, sometimes, I just say them mindlessly without a second thought as to what they actually mean for me.

We’re saying that we want to be living within God’s will.

It occurred to me earlier…even if we don’t get the result WE want next, is it the result that GOD wants?

As a family, I’d like to think that we are after God’s heart.

Then why would we be so upset if it wasn’t God’s will? Surely we should be thanking the BAP advisors for steering us clear of a life outside of the will of God.

You’ve read about Jonah right?? He tried to live outside of God’s will and he was thrown off a boat! I don’t want to be thrown off a boat! (Metaphorically speaking!!) Even if living inside of the will of God was as equally appealing!!

How do you know if you’ve heard right?? This is my husbands 2nd BAP…and last time we were 100% sure, we were so excited and couldn’t wait to start training etc etc etc….Now, we are still 100% sure…well maybe 99.9% sure…the doom and gloom of last time hangs over us still and there’s a part of us that finds it hard to trust again. I know you have to take into account the fact that people are human and can hear things wrong, in any situation. We could have heard wrong. The BAP advisors could have heard wrong.

Where does faith come in?…I guess we need to have faith that God has blessed these humans (BAP advisors) with the ability to really hear from Him, clearly.

Maybe having faith is the key to living in God’s will? Prayerfully, we try to discern what the will of God is, then we have faith that we are there.

My prayer this week is that we stay in the will of God.

Whether that’s with a recommendation.

Or a non recommendation.

 

 

 

This time next week.

Well we’re on the home stretch now!

This time next week my husband will be at his BAP…i’m having serious de ja vu…the thing I take comfort in is that we got through it last time, we can do it again…although we may be scarred emotionally for the rest of our lives!!

Then there’s the 10 days of waiting for a result afterwards…

I just want it over with now. Seriously, if he doesn’t get recommended…again…yes I will be sad and we’ll feel very lost…again…but part of me will be happy that we never have to do this again…unless God tells us to go again of course…ohhh I hope he doesn’t.

I could be worrying about nothing – he could be recommended and things will all fall into place…then, like i’ve said before, there’s a whole heap of other worries and anxieties to face.

It’s funny, no matter how many times I tell myself that God is in control…it’s ok…He won’t leave us and He won’t let us go through more than we can handle, I still find myself returning to this place of feeling completely sick at the thought of all that will be unveiled over the next few weeks.

I hope i’m not alone in feeling like this.

So…I read this article…

about being a vicars wife.

I’ve been reading lots of blogs and articles about different experiences of being a vicars wife and I came across one and frankly it’s scared the crap out of me.

I know people have different views…some love being the stereotypical vicars wife and some hate it…some relish the opportunity to stand next to their spouse and meet the naggy parishioners with a determined and a welcoming smile…some hide in their homes and dread the arrival of ‘Mrs Jones’ (let’s say!) complaining about the vicars lack of interest in the floral arrangements.

Maybe there’ll be days for both.

Anyway…this article basically said they were both so depressed and really were not thriving in their church, they’d lost sight of why they were doing this and they were bitter and sad.

Good grief!!!

I really hope that is just a one off and it’s not something we all have to go through….

I had a moment the other day where a girl came over, she’s had a horrific year and she wanted to pop round and have a chat – I was at home with my son, baking, ironically! I had the time to talk to her, be welcoming and offer her a friendly and listening ear. When my husband came home, we talked about how God had worked wonders in this girls life and we thanked God for answering our prayers about her. It excited me that something like this might be something i’d experience as a vicars wife…although I do know that it is something friends do!…whether you’re a vicars wife or not.

Then I read that article and I felt so deflated.

I guess being a vicars wife will have it’s ups and downs, one day I might be feeling happy and helpful, one day I might be feeling so down all I want to do drown in a vat of ice cream.

Who knows what each day will bring.

I’m just thankful that we’ve got God by our side!! What would we do without him?!

🙂

 

Coffee with friends.

Today I met with some mums from school, it was the usual, coffee, chat, chasing after toddlers with smelly nappies and a tiny bit of gossip! :-O!

We started to talk about next year, all of our children will be moving up to year 1. They talked about what teacher they’ll have and what after school activities they’ll be doing…then they said – they’ll all still play with each other and we can still meet for coffee.

A knot formed in my stomach…because I knew that we may not be here, I might be in a far off land called ‘ordination land’….and my husband, all being well at BAP, will have got a place at college and we will have moved house and moved school. New house, new school, new friends, new life. It all sounds so exciting doesn’t it?! ….then why do I feel like I could burst in slobbery snotty tears any second.

Throughout this entire process, my worries have always been ‘what if he doesn’t get through BAP?!’, ‘What will we do with our lives!?’, ‘Let’s run away to the USA if he doesn’t get through’.

Today was an instance where I didn’t want him to get through BAP. Selfishly, I want to stay here. I want to keep meeting my friends for coffee. I want my daughter to stay in the school that she’s settled in so well in. I don’t want to pack my bags and up and leave.

This is going to be so hard.

However, I was reminded by someone that…

‘IF GOD CALLS YOU TO IT, HE’LL BRING YOU THROUGH IT.’

If my husband gets through…yes we’ll move house and area, leave friends and leave schools. But, we might have a bigger house to fit our growing family! We might have nicer neighbours! We might make new friends! We might find a school that my daughter loves even more.

Or we might end up in a horrid place with non of the above.

BUT I know my God is a God who cares for us and loves us, he won’t throw at us, more than we can handle. We can do this!

(I flippin hope so anyway!)

Blog or secret diary?

I nearly deleted this blog…nobody was really reading them….

…but it’s ok…

Me writing my random thoughts down, isn’t such a bad idea, it clears my head, it helps me make sense of things, it’s pretty stress relieving actually.

Like a secret diary from when I was in year 6. Nobody really reads it and I can have a massive rant about Mrs Jones from church who drives me up the wall!!! without feeling too bad.

Hahaha! I’m going to be a great vicars wife aren’t I….slagging all the nasty parishioners off on my blog.

 

2 weeks to go!…

Please forgive the ‘rantish’ tone of this post, the thing is – my husband’s BAP is less than two weeks away and I couldn’t be more anxious, he is too, but he seems to be hiding it well!

I can’t escape the thought of ‘what happens if..?’, the experience of last time was so painful and it looms over me especially, I want to protect my little family and I don’t want to go through that again. Of course, if it is God’s will that he is not recommended, we will accept that and try to move on, however hard that may be…

What I can’t get my head around is, if he doesn’t get through, we’ve been in this process for nearly four years and apart from the non recommendation at his previous BAP, nobody has raised any concerns, no one has ever said they didn’t think he could, it has all been one positive comment after another. We figured out he’s met 16 different ‘official’ people from the CofE and every single one of them have said that they believe he should be recommended to train. So, if he gets another non-recommendation, why wasn’t it flagged up sooner, why didn’t someone say…’actually no I don’t think it’s right’, are people just being kind, humoring him and telling him what he wants to hear. I think I’d rather the honesty, to save us from going through this incredibly difficult process.

Then…on the other hand, what if he does get through. That opens up a whole other set of worries…will I ever see him? Will he have to put the church first all the time? Will I be good enough to support him? What about our children…will they stray away from their faith because they see first hand what church is like? Will I?

I realized I’ve used the word ‘I’ a lot…it’s not even me who’s going.

I tell you what though, If WE weren’t 100% sure that God was calling us to do this, we wouldn’t be doing it, it’s not for the faint hearted, it’s not a game, it’s real – real hard work. AND if I’ve ever prayed for patience, then God must be answering my prayers now, because I’ve never had to exercise patience like I am now.

Pray for us.